HR Question:

I have a member on my team who consistently exhibits disrespectful behavior toward me. They interrupt me in meetings, gossip about me, and do not follow my directives. How do I effectively manage a disrespectful employee?

HR Answer:

Managing a high-performing, in-sync team at the best of times can be difficult – let alone if you have a subordinate who doesn’t respect you or who is trying to make waves in the team. If you’re finding it difficult to manage a disrespectful employee, there are a few approaches you can take to try to resolve the situation for the better.

First, keep in mind – respect has to be earned. In a perfect world, respect would be earned based on job title alone, but that’s not always the case. If you’re coming into a new role, particularly if you’ve been promoted above others or are making major changes to the dynamic of the workplace, it’s almost a given that you’ll face some resistance.

That being said, respect is due in the workplace based simply on the need to create an efficient and welcoming culture. Here are some tips on how to effectively manage situations where a team member does not behave appropriately.

Lead by Example

Look at your company’s values and determine the behaviors you want to cultivate in your team. For example, if you expect your team to be at work on time and ready to work at the start of their shift, you need to follow the same rule. Or, if you want your team to actively participate in meetings and group discussions, you have to create an environment that welcomes diversity of thought. As the team leader, it is up to you to demonstrate the desired behaviors and values to set the standard for your team.

Engage in Active Listening

Another solution is to engage in active listening to find out why the disrespect exists. Were you recently promoted and this team member feels they should have received the promotion? Are you brand new to the team and they do not feel you are qualified? Engaging in active listening can break down some of the barriers that may exist.

Build Rapport

Take time to get to know your employee on a personal, but still professional, level. Show that you have a genuine interest in them and share a little bit about yourself. Ask open-ended questions such as:

• Who are your favorite sports teams?
• What hobbies do you have?
• What do you enjoy doing on your weekends?
• What’s your favorite TV show?
• How did you get started with the company? In this role?
• What challenges are you facing right now, and how can I help you address those challenges?

Show them that you want to learn about them and their interests inside and outside of work. By building rapport with this person, it may help them lower some of their walls to have an open, honest, and productive conversation.

Learn What is Driving the Behavior

When navigating how to effectively manage a disrespectful employee, it’s important to try to understand why there is a lack of respect. Be careful to avoid making accusations right from the start, as that can create an even more contentious and disrespectful situation.  Consider approaching the conversation just like a typical feedback or performance discussion.

As you get to know this team member, you may learn the driving factors in their behaviors. Are they stressed at home or stressed at work? Are there prior work-related issues that you might not be aware of? There could be other things that you don’t see that are driving some of their actions and behaviors, such as family challenges or conflict in their personal life. Don’t assume they don’t respect you – it just may be manifesting itself in ways that feel like disrespect.

Schedule Time for a Critical Conversation

If you have followed the suggestions above and you are still seeing disrespectful behavior, it may be time for a critical conversation. As she shared in an interview with the Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM), Andrea Lee, CEO of Thought Partners International, said, it’s important to acknowledge that these types of conversations can be awkward and sometimes painful.

Lee suggests approaching difficult conversations by first asking yourself three questions:

1. Where are we now?
2. Where are we going?
3. How would we like to get there?

Although having critical conversations may not be your favorite thing to do, it is an essential step to effectively manage a disrespectful employee. It is also a crucial part of cultivating a strong and engaged team. It builds your credibility as a manager, shows respect to others, and ultimately builds your influence.

Consider the following four components to lead productive difficult conversations:

1. Be Specific Without Blaming

When addressing your concerns, be specific about the behaviors and incidents, and explain that they make you feel disrespected. Use “I” statements to explain how their actions are making you feel, such as “When I saw that the report was still missing, even after I asked for it, I felt disrespected.” Or, “When I heard the rumors you were spreading about me, it felt disrespectful.” It’s an important distinction to point out how specific actions or behaviors impact how you feel versus blaming the person.

2. Recognize the Situation

If you do find that the conflict isn’t something external (perhaps they don’t like you, truly don’t respect you, you’re making change, or you’re replacing someone they enjoyed working for), then recognize the change or uncomfortable situation first. Acknowledge how that might make them feel, and give them the space to work through it.

3. Earn Their Buy-In

This step may be difficult, as there could be hurt feelings or lingering frustration, but earning their buy-in can make leaps and bounds out of baby steps. This step might include asking what changes they would like to see, getting their opinion on next steps, or by explaining the approach, your style, and your goals so that they feel that they’ve been “brought into the fold.”

From there, encourage collaboration by giving them credit and pointing out ways they could be successful in the situation. Call on their support, and clearly outline what that looks like (i.e., “I need you to respond within ‘X’ days”).

4. Document Expectations

Keep track of the unprofessional behaviors, dates of the conversations, and the plan to improve the behaviors. Hold yourself accountable to following the steps you have set while holding them accountable in the same way. Explain that by documenting this path, you are expecting their buy-in to improve and showing them the steps you are taking to assist in the process.

Putting next steps on paper can seem intimidating after overcoming a difficult conversation. But to ensure clear communication and avoid micromanaging, it’s important to document these expectations should discipline become necessary now or later. Plus, these documents will be key tools to reference to keep you both accountable for moving forward positively.

Sometimes, Personalities Just Clash

It may simply boil down to a personality conflict, and if that’s the case, that’s okay! Not everyone is going to become best friends and hang out after work. However, they are expected to work together with respect. If it’s a personality conflict, try to refocus the conversation and goals on work-related tasks and objectives to effectively manage the disrespectful employee. Keep focused on the deliverables in front of you, and limit interaction to respectful and to-the-point conversations.

If all options have been exhausted and nothing is working, it’s time to escalate the situation. Reach out to another supervisor or your HR Department for further assistance in managing the disrespectful employee.

As you continue to cultivate this relationship and others on your team, be fair and consistent with anyone you address – whether or not you have a constructive and positive relationship. Follow through on any promises or changes you say that you will make to build trust. Consistency is key to creating a fair workplace.

At the end of the day, your subordinates may not like you – and they may never like you – but at least they will see you as a fair and consistent leader. Over time, they may see the benefits of working together with you, and they may gain respect for you.

Special thanks to Sherri Hume, SHRM-CP, HR Business Advisor, and Terry Salo for contributing to this edition of our HR Question of the Week!

One of the stickiest aspects of human resources management is Employee Relations. Are you having difficulties in your company that stem from employee/employer-related issues? Strategic HR has years of experience in employment relations. Visit our Employee Relations page to learn how we can help you resolve some of your toughest ER problems.